last post

My apology

2011-10-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

This will be the last post on this blog. I have not decided if I will create a new, private one, or if I will give up on the thought all together. Truth is, I wrote on this blog mostly for myself. It somehow became an avenue to get random thoughts or frustrations off my mind. Writing typically makes me feel better. I should have known that writing personal thoughts on an online blog was risky. I should have known better than to express these frustrations in such a public place, where anyone could potentially view them. I’ve learned a lot from all of this. I’ve learned that not everyone sees exactly what I do; not everyone interprets things the same way I do; other people aren’t going to see the broader meaning in my thoughts; my thoughts may come across to others as rude or offensive, even if I do not mean them in that sense; these thoughts may alter others’ opinions about the subject of frustration.

Being a nurse is hard work. It’s not just about taking care of a patient and following orders. It truly takes years of experience to understand what your actual role is. Even after 6 years, finding my exact role is sometimes difficult. As a nurse, you have to put personal beliefs and prejudices aside to provide equal care to every patient. There are so many factors that weigh in to that, especially with so many different cultures. It’s often very challenging to determine the right thing. I suppose this is why there are ethics committees. The other difficult challenge to being a nurse lies in the cooperation of your team. No matter what area you work in, there are always going to be differences in opinions. The more people involved, the more opinions there are. I suppose this is where I ran into trouble [personally].

To me, the single most important quality a healthcare team needs is communication. As a nurse, I have the right to my own opinions and beliefs, however these opinions or beliefs may not be appropriate in any or all circumstances. Because of this, it’s crucial to understand why those beliefs may not be the best choice. Of course, I am only speaking for myself here. I learn more about the things I do by the experiences I have. In a similar situation, I may expect to see certain things done. When that is not the case, I want to know why. Not because I think I am right, but because I want to learn about what I am actually doing. I want to understand the acts I am asked to perform. Although I do trust the authorizing providers, I do not want to perform tasks on pure request. A nurse needs to understand the things she is required to do. She needs to understand the consequences of those actions. She needs to understand what to expect. This is the only way a nurse is going to grow; this is the only way a nurse is going to learn how to critically think; this is the only reason I feel I am able to think quickly in emergent circumstances.

Although I need to move on, I am still very upset with myself for offending people. I never, ever had that intention. I wrote those things out of frustration. I wrote those things without thinking at all. I needed to get those thoughts off my mind. I want people to know that I am not a bad person. I do not openly judge people for their difference of opinion. I was simply lost… looking for direction in a very frustrating situation. I longed for communication and understanding. It was with those frustrations that I realized I needed to pursue a different avenue. I do not consider myself better because of this decision. This decision did not come easy at all. I loved where I was; I just needed something more than what I was getting from it. As far as I know, that’s ok. I was still very much hoping to be involved, only on a smaller scale. I hope that I am still able to pursue that. I also love where I am now. I know that I made the right decision for me, and I am very happy. I hope to channel my energy into something positive for both teams. I hope I have the blessings to accomplish that goal.

Again, I am so very sorry for the damage I did. I am sorry for undermining confidence. I am sorry for the offensive words. I do not think you are bad people. I do not truly think you are stupid.

just showing off my boy!

2011-09-14T15:43:00.000-07:00

happy 1st birthday!!!

2011-05-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it?!?! Dawson is one!!! How did that happen? haha. Wow. Time flies!! While my little man naps, I figured I would try to update on all the things he does these days.

Words he speaks: mama, dada, baba, nana, ball, bye bye, what's this?
Words he understands (besides the above): shoe, bink, fan, nose, mouth, car, milk, cup, bath
He has been walking since 10.5 months and prefers walking to crawling! He is trying to learn how to climb (figures) and can go up the stairs!
He wears mostly 12mo and 18mo, though he still fits some 9mo and wears a few 18-24mo sweatpants! size 4 and 4.5 shoes
He still nurses every morning, and when I am home, up to 3 other times... before he goes to sleep. Otherwise, he drinks whole milk :) I would say he drinks about 10-12oz of milk and 8-10oz of water (sometimes mixed with juice).
He loves, loves, loves to eat! He loves fruit and eats straw-, blue-, black- and rasp- berries; bananas, kiwi, and applesause. He loves spinach haha, green beans, corn, and broccoli. He eats chicken, beef and pulled pork, black beans, pasta (esp mac and cheese!), eggs... and loves everything cheese (block cheddar, mozzarella, cottage cheese). Pancakes are a new breakfast fav, as well as peanut butter off the spoon! Seriously, he eats everything :)
He is still pretty bald, though his blonde locks are growing in... curly!
He is still in cloth diapers... which we love... thankfully because he will turn red after only 3 hours in a Pampers!
He still sleeps from 8pm-8am ish... sometimes a little earlier or later. He takes 1-2 naps... it's totally random, but most consistenly from 10am-12pm and 2pm-4pm.
Dawson is the sweetest boy... he loves his mama very much :) He loves to give hugs, eskimo kisses, and snuggle when he is tired. He is very pround of himself when he finds new things... most recently my tennis racket! He will carry it around the house for quite a while. And, of course, he still loves his ball!!! Or balls... all 6 of them!!
He goes to a small daycare 1-3 times a week- mostly 3 times one week and once the next (if I pick up extra, he goes 3 times that week). He loves going there and enjoys playing with the other baby (it's just him and one other right now). He spends the rest of the weekdays with me and every other weekend he gets his alone time with daddy (since I work every other weekend).
His one year dr appt is on Friday, so I will update with his height and weight! I am guessing 22lbs and 31inches :) Can you say string bean?!

9 month stats

2011-02-18T11:53:00.000-08:00

9 months... already! D had his appointment this morning. He weighs in at a whopping 19lbs 1oz (which has dropped him to the 25th percentile) and 30 inches (which is the 95th percentile). I'm annoyed that his head is only in the 5th percentile... I *think* it's because of that suture closing early- the front part of his head is still a little more narrow, which probably throws off the measurement (this is what I am attributing it to lol.... it's just like a newborn with a conehead). Anyways... he is a happy, healthy boy. He loves to wave, clap, cruise the furniture, climb on his mommy, and eat! He is still sleeping 12 hours at night (8pm-8am), takes 2 naps during the day, nurses 4 times a day, eats real food 3 times a day, and still only has his 2 bottom teeth. His top two want to come in soooo bad haha but they are just being stubborn. Our spitting up days are long gone (thank God!). Starting next week, I am going to take him to daycare for the days I need to sleep. This wonderful lady I met through a mutual friend is a neonatal nurse practitioner of 20 years who wants a break from the hospital. She and her mom and opening an infant only (up to 2 years) daycare- so 4 kids max at one time. I'm not loving the extra money and the "daycare" rules, but I am loving the consistent care. No more sleepless days for this momma! I think Dawson will enjoy the social interaction too.

new milestones

2011-02-01T04:33:00.000-08:00

Oh baby boy, how fast you are growing and learning! One day last week (Jan 24th to be exact), I was playing with Dawson after getting home from work in the morning and he starts to clap! Seriously out of nowhere. Crazy. He has spent the last week clapping... non-stop! We have been working on teaching him to wave for weeks now. Two days ago (Jan 30th), he finally did it! It's the cutest thing :-) So now, he waves when you say hi and then claps hahaha. I also came home from work yesterday (the 31st) to find him sitting up in his crib. You would think that buy now he would have learned to go from laying to sitting on his own, but until yesterday, he was still unable to. I haven't seen him do it again, but hopefully soon. I just can't believe how fast this little man is growing up! He always wants to stand... and walk! He can stand for a few seconds at a time now. He is still not quite crawling on all 4's... he has his own way lol.

{such a ham}

8 months already?!?!

2011-01-18T17:12:00.000-08:00

Wow. Where has the time gone? I cannot believe my little man is eight months old already! {well, yesterday he was} It seems like just yesterday I was in labor. My little baby boy is no longer a little baby! He is over 18lbs and almost 30 inches long! Crazy! Here are some things he is doing these days:

da-da. in all forms. da. dada. da-duh. duh da-da. all day long.
still loving his baths. he still sits in his infant tub. he now turns around in it, propping his feet up and all!
working on a sippy cup. i don't plan to use these much, but i want him to drink some water and the regular cup is only practical {now} at meal times. too messy!
food. dawson does not discriminate. he is still working on his gag reflex with chunky foods, so we are still using baby food (blek I know haha). i actually started making it, so i feel better about that. plus it's so much cheaper! some favorites are sweet potato, pumpkin, apple, green beans, blueberries, cottage cheese, chicken, carnitas, banana, mango, and pickles!
using the potty! yes, i am the nerd that taught him. i only offer it when i change him or when i can tell he is trying to go. but he goes when i take him. i love that. one less wetness to sit in and definately one less dirty diaper for mommy to change!
dawson has been sitting up independently since he was about 6.5 months old. he rolls all over the place, back and forth. he now pulls himself forward (a step up from the army crawling he has been doing) and is starting to use his feet to aid him. he can crawl about 15 feet before i chase after him. i put his knees under him sometimes to help him try to crawl on all 4's and he rocks- it's the cutest thing ever.
he is still a very happy baby. he smiles and laughs at everything and everyone.
he is still wearing the 6-12mo onsies i bought when he grew out of his 3mo clothes, although he is near the end of their length life. all of his newer tops are 12mo (they are a little big, but he will grow into them), and any one piece items are 18mo. He still wears most of his 6mo, 6-9mo and 9mo pants, but all of his newer stuff is 12mo.
he had his first plane ride when he was 5.5mo and is gearing up for his second! i hope he is as good the next time around. it's a long flight back east hahahaha.
he started sleeping through the night for kyle this past week. he has been waking only once when i am home- this is perfect for me since i would need to get up and pump anyway. i would rather nurse him.
yes, we are still nursing exclusively. i almost had to start supplementing, but was able to boost my supply. yippie! i have no idea how long i will nurse him, but he enjoys it, so i am just going to take his cues. he is starting to get very distracted these days, so i may be forced to wean or resort to pumping... which i hate.
he is still working on his pincer grasp, but is doing pretty well. he feeds himself his puffs without help.

I'm sure there is plenty more to say, but that is the jist of things. He is growing so fast.

bokeh!

2011-01-02T14:31:00.000-08:00

I cannot wait until Tuesday. I'll finally have a few days off to regroup and play with my camera! I really wanted to get some bokeh shots from the tree lights before we take it down. Getting the bokeh was easy. Focusing on my ornament took work!

Merry Christmas!!

2010-12-25T02:04:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas Day! I am working this entire holiday. I can't complain since I haven't worked any holidays in two years! These poor babies can't help that they are in the hospital for their first Chrsitmas (or whatever holiday, if any, they celebrate). I like that, here at Swedish, we work the entire holiday, but only every 3 years. One year it's Christmas, the next New Years, and the next you are technically off, but placed in a pool to fill any holes- this is a lottery when pulled from.

Our plan is to open gifts when I get home, around 8am. We plan to Skype with both our families too! I will hopefully get a nap at work so I can stay up till around 10am. Kyle has been sick all night, so I hope whatever is bothering him is gone by the morning! Otherwise we may hold off on presents until later. I hope he is well enough to take care of Dawson, too, because I need to sleep this weekend!

Make sure to take the time today to cherish everyone in your life. We often don't do this enough.

snow day!

2010-11-22T22:06:00.001-08:00

Today makes me laugh. Last night, Kyle and I were talking about the snow we were supposed to be getting- up to 3 inches! It didn't seem as though we were going to get much, but we were really excited about it. I told him that it would be funny if it snowed a whole bunch on Monday, because they weren't calling for any- it was going to be very cold, but dry. That seemed to happen all the time in MD. It went both ways too. They would call for a foot and we wouldn't get any, then they would call for nothing and we would get 2 feet haha. Anyways, it started snowing at 7am and hasn't stopped! We only have about 4-5 inches, but it's so pretty! I am so glad I am off until Thursday, because there is no way I would have made it into work in this mess! I took a few pictures of Dawson admiring the white stuff, as well as on the walk we took during lunch. I played around with editing a few, so I hope you like them. I really have no idea what I am doing, but I don't *think* they look horrible!

{this is my entry for a sorta fairytale photo challenge}

WHAT?!?!

2010-11-15T16:52:00.000-08:00

Ok, before you think I've gone mad, let me preface this by saying lots of people do it.... ok.... lol here goes!

I came across this while trying to research the best way to deal with peanut butter poo in cloth haha. What better way to handle this by not dealing with it at all!! I'm going to embark on the elimination communication journey!

Apparently, infants have pretty regular routines when it comes to "eliminating" and if recognized, you can catch them and have them go over the potty! Some babies cue, some don't. But you can get them to associate a sound (like psssss) or a sign to going, and eventually, they can and will go on cue! Another plus aside from way less dirty diapers, is that most EC babies potty train before 2 years!! SOLD! One mama said she has only changed 2 poopy diapers since her baby was 2 months old and he is 6 months now!

Ok, I know I'm nuts, but yes... I really am gonna try... Dawson already peed in the potty once today :-)

craniosynostosis

2010-11-09T14:03:00.000-08:00

Now that's a mouthful. I've had this diagnosis in the back of my mind for months now, and I think I've confirmed it :-( Good thing is I think it's mild enough to not require surgery. But it still worries me.

So what is craniosynostosis? It's when the sutures in the skull of an infant fuse early. In Dawson's case, it's his metopic suture- the one that runs down the forehead. If you look at his pictures, you can see the ridge down the center of his forehead. I first noticed it when he was about 2 months old. In some cases, it becomes very pointed and disfiguring. It can also restrict brain growth, causing an increase in pressure. They fix this with surgery. It's pretty brutal in my mind. They cut open their scalp, ear to ear, break open the skull and re-create the sutures! Ouch! After doing some research, it seems like the first few days post-op are pretty bad, but after a week, kids are back to their normal self. Again, I don't think Dawson needs to have this done, but it's still a possibility. I will discuss things with his pediatrician at his 6 month appointment next Friday.

So, pray for us that he doesn't need any treatment. The ridge is fairly mild compared to what I have seen online and there doesn't seem to be much affect on his head shape other than he still seems a little cone-headed sometimes.

With that said, I leave you with a picture of my life.... eating a banana for the first time!

Enjoy!

playing...

2010-10-11T22:24:00.002-07:00

I'm just playing around with some pictures I took yesterday. I like this one a lot. I hope you do too!

love

2010-09-25T17:10:00.001-07:00

What else can I say?

4 months!

2010-09-23T00:25:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late, but better late than never! Dawson turned 4 months old on Friday! Where has the time gone?? It's amazing how fast it's all gone by, but at the same time, it feels like forever ago that he was born. He is growing at an alarming rate these days :) Sometimes when I pick him up in the morning I am surprised to see he looks different. I am beginning to notice so many new things about him. I need to keep better track of these things! One thing he has loved to do since he was born [it seems] is stand! He has such strong legs! I remember them kicking me too lol. He rolled over from his stomach to his back early- around 8 weeks! At first I didn't really think of it as a milestone, since it was the weight of his head toppling him over, but apparently it is! I guess a baby has to be able to do a "mini push-up" in order to topple over, so that is the milestone :) I have found him sleeping on his stomach a few times recently, which means he is capable of rolling from his back to his stomach, but I have yet to witness this. I have seen him try, though. This week, Dawson started putting his arms over his head! It's so cute to watch. We say "So BIG" when he does this :) He also loves to play peek-a-boo. Things Dawson is into these days are: sitting [straight] up (no more leaning back for this baby!), playing with toys (this involves his Exersaucer, which he loves, and grabbing and reaching for things), talking (babbling, cooing, laughing and giggling), Skype (he loves to talk to his grandparents!), and my favorite, drooling and puking! He goes through our entire supply of burp rags in 2 days and manages to dirty 40 bibs in 3 days- AMAZING. Prior to being a mommy, I never imagined I would need so many bibs!!

Dawson still does not sleep through the night {sigh}, but he does eat and go right back to sleep, so I can't complain too much... I am just getting so tired of feeding him every 3 hours! He goes through spurts where he will wake up every 4 or even 5 or 6, but they are few and far between, and more often when I am working. Go figure! I am starting to wonder if I am feeding him too often during the day. I am going to try to push his feedings to every 4 hours instead of 3 and see if that helps. 8-12-4. That's what I am going to try... then maybe we can either get rid of the 4am feeding or combine the 12 and 4 am feeds at 2am. We'll see lol.

We took Dawson to the pediatrician on Thursday for his check-up. He seems to be on par with everything, which is nice to know. He weighs in at 15lbs (50th percentile) and is 26.25in (90th percentile) long! Tall and skinny, just like his mommy and daddy :) His eyes are still very blue and his hair is still questionably blonde- some days it looks really light, others it looks like it may be darkening, and the days in between, it's a shade of red or sandy brown! Who knows what color it will be?!

We are still cloth diapering, and I love *almost* every minute of it. He hasn't worn a disposable in a long time. The most frustrating part of cloth diapering is what to use at night. Dawson is a heavy wetter, so he leaks a lot at night. The past week or so, we have done a good job with only one change. Hopefully my new system will continue to work. I hate having to change him in the middle of the night.

Well, that pretty much sums it up! I'll put up a few new pictures when I get the chance. I am at work now :)

smile!

2010-09-11T13:13:00.000-07:00

Smiles were one thing lacking in our photos from this morning, but Dawson was all smiles when we got home! This was actually from the other day, but I thought I would share :)

I'm also entering this into two photo challenges...

baptism day

2010-09-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

When Dawson's Godmother told us she had to leave Sunday evening, we moved the baptism to Saturday evening. I didn't realize it was September 11th. I think this will be a special day to remember both his welcoming into the church and all of the brave people who lost their lives. Long-time friends of our family, Bud and Dee Flag, lost their lives 9 years ago today.

On a happier note, we had a very last minute, mini photo session with Mandy this morning. We went down to the bridge we love in our neighborhood. I am excited to see how they turned out! Dawson was a little stubborn with his smiles, but I know we captured at least one. I'll upload pictures that we take tonight, so you can see how cute Dawson is in his gown!

more hands

2010-09-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

That should be Dawson's new nickname... Hands. He LOVES putting his fingers and hands in his mouth! We try so hard to replace them with his pacifier, but he just loves to chew on his fingers! I truely think it has more to do with teething and experimenting versus comfort, but we are still trying to curb the habit. He is, however, super cute in the process! What do you think?!?!